Warning: this is an unedited ramble on a career blip.
So, its 10pm Friday night and its been quite a week. My other half is still at work and I’m at home drowning my sorrows.
This week our property purchase fell through, our relationship suffered as a consequence and I’ve decided to quit my current role at the Government Digital Service (GDS).
The pillars of my life are my relationship, doing my public duty, and my home. All 3 pillars have just wobbled. As I said, quite a week.
The quitting my job bit is by mutual agreement with my line manager. In 6 months of trying to be the service manager’s community manager, I feel that I’ve delivered jack shit.
That isn’t completely accurate, obviously, but it feels close enough.
Right now I’m not entirely sure where I’ve gone wrong (I will find out) but I suspect it revolves around choosing a role, any role, other than continuing to support Contracts Finder (a ‘service’ that GDS inherited, not something we designed and built).
I arrived at GDS in mid-September 2012, a month before DirectGov and BusinessLink were switched off and replaced with GOV.UK
It was an amazing time. Frenetic, heated, inspiring. The government digital equivalent of going to the moon.
I told my then line manager I was happy to support Contracts Finder (I love transparency and open data, which its supposed to do) but it would drive me nuts after 6 months, which it did. I ended up back on medication to regulate by bipolar type II affect disorder, a mental health ‘gift’ that makes me manic.
After 18 months at GDS still working on Contracts Finder I blindly took another job, the one I’ve just agreed to quit.
This was my 2nd mistake.
My 1st mistake was joining GDS.
That last sentence is NOT something I type lightly, as I love my employer. I fundamentally believe in our design principles, I think the service manual is a truly beautiful piece of work, and that we’re going in the right direction to help improve digital capability in the civil service.
But I didn’t do any of that. For 18 months I supported a complex, badly documented service that users hated (1st mistake) then in a moment of mental health induced mania jumped to a role I shouldn’t have (2nd mistake).
What a complete waste of time, effort and taxpayers’ money.
The reason for typing this today (Friday 10 October 2014) is that its World Mental Health Day. I don’t blame my mental health, I blame myself (not that I see the 2 as separate things). Bipolar is part of me; something I can use or abuse – a ‘gift’ I live with. But its not a excuse – I would never use it as a ‘get out of jail free’ card, and go on protracted sick leave. That’s not me.
But I will no longer will a take a job because it (or the organisation its in) are shiny and cool.
From now on, I will avoid knee jerk decisions when my judgement is impaired.
I know what I want to do with my life (I can’t tell you cause it breaks some rules) and its time I start getting there.
Contact me on Twitter via @jaCattell and ask me how I am, please. If I reply “good” then bitch slap me back to reality, because you can’t have the good without the bad. Its just not the way life works.